He said what?
by SuperstitiousSeaturtles
Summary: America gets a phone call from the State Department. Apparently there has been a tape scandal in Poland and certain opinions are now public. Obviously they were not meant literally, but maybe the polish minister was right? PolAme oneshot, based on actual events. There is a bad word, a kiss, and some things are vaguely mentioned, but nothing explicit. Human names used.


Alfred F. Jones woke up to the sound of a phone.

His phone.

He could clearly hear it ringing somewhere in his bedroom, but locating it wasn't an easy task, considering the state said bedroom was in - jeans and t-shirts scattered all around the floor, empty packages after his midnight snacks, even some papers he should've at least looked through a long time ago.

'Shit' the nation mumbled under his breath. He has finally found the infernal device the same second it stopped ringing. America sighed and proceeded to check the caller ID. It made him frown. What did the State Department want with him at seven A.M.? It must've been pretty important, he thought as he waited for them to pick up.

'You have called the Department of State, how can I help you?'

'Hi, Ben, it's Alfred. I didn't manage to pick up the phone on time. Can you put me through?'

'Certainly, sir.'

Alfred winced at the pronoun. ' Ew, _please_ don't call me that! We've known each other for, what, a year now?'

'As you wish, Alfred.' The nation congratulated himself internally on making somebody's day a little brighter, as he heard the smile in the receptionist's voice just before the click indicating the line has been changed. He waited a few seconds before hearing a familiar voice. 'Alfred?'

'Yeah, hello sir. I've received a phonecall, but… Umm… There were some complications and I couldn't pick it up, so I'm calling back.' He heard the minister sigh deeply before saying ' You should probably clean up your room, then. Anyway, have you, by any chance, read the press today?'

'No, I didn't really have the chance to. Why?' He asked suspiciously, furrowing his eyebrows.

'Well… There was a tape scandal in Poland, and it just so turns out that the polish minister of foreign affairs was recorded saying some… things that are rather unpleasant to hear.' America waited for the Secretary to continue, and prompted him when he didn't with a meaningful 'Hmmm?'. However when his question was finally answered he was at a complete loss for words. ' H-he said _what_?! ' he stuttered after a moment. The Secretary repeated himself. At this point America was really glad he was having this conversation over the phone. That way nobody could see how red his face currently was. This was just ridiculous! Alfred cleared his throat and decided to cut this conversation short, before it got even more ludicrous.

' I understand. It seems like I should make some phone calls. Organise some meetings. Do some… stuff ' he finished awkwardly.

'Yes, indeed. I'll leave you to it, then. Have a nice day, Alfred.'

'You too, sir' the nation replied absent-mindedly. How was he supposed to react to something like _that_?

This wasn't a phonecall kind of matter, he decided. It was a 'I-need-my-private-jet-this-instant' kind of matter. So he called the pilot, got ready in under twenty minutes and ran out of the house.

* * *

Feliks has locked himself in a hotel room. The press conference was a short one (which isn't really that surprising, considering he basically only needed to say 'yes, the current government stays for now, no, I haven't talked to America yet, and yes, I'll do everything to ensure that free press is still a thing' ), but unfortunately it meant he had to wait here until he could even try to leave the building, which was currently swarming with reporters.

A knock on the door interrupted his thoughts.' Mister Łukasiewicz…?' the voice, muffled by the door, belonged to a young maid ' There's someone here to see you'.

'The conference is over. Could you please tell them to just go bother someone else?' he replied, the irritation obvious in his tone.

'Umm… I would, but… The thing is… Eee… It's mister Jones, sir.'

Poland's eyes snapped open. 'Oh. Right.' he bounced off the bed and went to open the door. As soon as he did, the maid curtsied and quickly scattered away. The Pole glanced after her and then laid his eyes on Alfred. His face looked like he was somewhere between angry and confused, and it made Feliks giggle.

'Don't you giggle at me! This is not funny!' the American exclaimed, throwing his arms in the air. That only amused him more. Poland stepped aside to let him in, still giggling, while the other nation shot him a death glare.

'The situation might not be funny, but your face totally is' he concluded with a grin, shutting the door behind the bigger man. 'So, you've decided to pay me a visit. I'm honoured.' It was his turn to curtsy while gripping the hems of his untucked dress shirt.

'Oh, come on, Feliks. We need to talk, and you know it.'

'Indeed, I do. I just didn't think you'd actually manage to grace me with your presence…'

'Really, we're doing that now? You now I've been busy at home, you've been just as busy here.'

'Sure I have. It's just that, you know, I've been visiting you every other weekend for five consecutive months before that. The last time you've been here was November. You haven't even made an effort to contact me for the last month.'

A slight blush of embarrassment appeared on Alfred's face. 'Well… Obama was here in June… And… He gave you the note, right?'

'The one that said 'Hope you're having fun, I'll see you soon, love, Alfred'? Sure. It looked great in my fireplace.'

'But people don't just start a fire in their fireplaces in the middle of June…' America pointed out, confused.

'_I made an exception._'

Feliks was clearly upset, the American could see it now, but he still wasn't sure how he was supposed to react. ' So… you're angry because the note I sent you was flammable…?'

'I'm angry, because what it takes for you to come here is my foreign affairs minister saying I gave you a _blow job_!' somewhere during the conversation the short blonde stepped on the bed, so he was currently looking down at him.

'That… That's not… It wasn't about _us_. It was about the foreign relations. Don't try to make me feel uncomfortable.'

Poland smirked. 'It looks like I don't have to anymore.'

'I'm serious about this, Feliks. Do you… Do you really think our relationship is worthless? Professional relationship.' he added quickly.

'What if I do?' Poland sent him a challenging look and crossed his arms. America's face fell. 'Do you really…?'

'Look, I don't know, how it looks from your perspective, but I've been sending my troops to Afghanistan. I've been sending my troops to Iraq. I've been literally _bleeding_ for you. I've agreed to pretty much every proposition I have ever gotten from you. And you don't even want to yield on the fucking visas. I mean, seriously, Andorra is in the Visa Waiver Program. Do you even know where Andorra is?!' Alfred just looked at his feet. Feliks snorted. 'That's what I thought. I just don't know how to deal with you, you're like this big baby. Actually, you _are_ a big baby. You've only been around for a little more than two hundred years and you act like you own the place, taking whatever you want from everyone. You can't always have what you want, you know?'

At the beginning of this rant America looked a little ashamed. Now he just looked close to tears. What Poland was saying about him didn't sound very heroic. He finally looked up at the fellow nation. 'I never meant to… y'now… Use you or anything. And you know it's not me who's controlling who gets into Visa Waiver and who doesn't. I just… I though we were friends, and…' his lip quivered.

Feliks sighed and hopped off the bed. He took a hold of the bigger man's shoulders and looked him straight in the eye. 'Alfred' he said firmly. The nation in question looked at him hopelessly. 'I trust you. You might be an idiot, but I really do trust you. A lot. You make me feel safe…' he trailed off before continuing 'Both professionally and personally.' And then he stood on his tiptoes and kissed his cheek. 'Come on, now, get a grip. If you start crying I swear to God I'm going to punch you in the face.'

America laughed at that and lifted the smaller man, spinning them both around a couple of times. 'So you don't hate me?' he asked, just to be sure, as soon as he put the Pole down. The latter rolled his eyes at him. 'Only a little bit. Only when you don't call, or, like, stand me up or something.'

'So, what that minister said… It wasn't the truth?'

Poland shook his head, smiling. 'I don't think it was. Although now that I think about it…' America's eyes suddenly looked like they were going to pop out of their sockets. Feliks chuckled. 'I think that part about me giving you a blow job might've been true. I seem to recall something like that happening at one point.' Alfred just went red again. 'You know, there is still quite a bit of reporters downstairs. So we totally have time for you to repay the favour' Feliks winked at him and kissed him square on the lips. And suddenly America wasn't embarrassed anymore, he was wrapping Feliks' legs around his waist and pinning him against the wall, just like an empire would.

And they both thought it was a pretty good way to end this argument.


End file.
